


Secret Side

by cyndario



Series: Shudun Ryder | Seasons Change [7]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 08:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14077089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyndario/pseuds/cyndario
Summary: Shudun is finding out there's more to her parents than she thought she knew.She's not happy.But she also learns that it’s okay to not be okay... and let others in.





	1. Fade

Over time, seeing more of the hidden memories of her father began to confuse more than console Shudun. The facade of being the unwavering was slipping. Shudun wasn’t sure how best to deal with these feelings properly so the reasonable thing to do was set up interim meetings.

 

They were always few in number; once, sometimes twice a week after a particularly vivid memory.

 

This was, however, her third visit _this_ week after the latest memory ate away at her for the past day. She had vented to Lexi about seeing that memory through her father’s point of view, how he was so desperate to save their mother—his wife—but she hardly remembered seeing this affection and dedication growing up. Their intimacy and love was shocking, and it surprised her how much it angered her.

 

“You loved him, but you also seem to hold a lot of resentment towards your father, Ryder.”  Lexi began, sitting in the seat opposite her while she leaned forward. Giving her her undivided attention, she noticed that Shudun was refusing to relax, her shoulders rigid.

 

“He just… he was a shitty dad.” Lexi jolted a bit at her harsh outburst, but otherwise remained neutral.

 

“How so?” Shudun sighed, her eyes narrowing in on a spot on the floor as she continued.

 

“He was never _there._ Something— _anything—_ was more important. A deployment. Alliance brass. The Council. Nothing concerning our family was ever important enough for him to care about. And momma just… she just accepted it. Stood by him and his bullshit.“

 

“And her unwavering acceptance of your father over the years bothers you?”

 

“A little. She wasn’t any better being the ‘cutting edge lead scientist’ but at least she fucking tried. Then she gets diagnosed and suddenly he’s wanting to be man of the fucking year.”

 

“Perhaps he was trying to make up for the lost time between you? A terminal illness—as horrid as it may be—can be the catalyst to bring estranged loved ones closer.”

 

“He never mentioned that he built SAM for momma. Always Andromeda. He was out for himself. Then when he ruined his credibility on the Citadel and in the Alliance, all of a sudden he wanna be there. Our lives stopped when his did. And now he... he’s….”

 

“He's gone.” Lexi offered, and Shudun nodded as she looked into her face, her mask slipping.

 

“And it ain't _right_.” Shudun grit out through quivering lips. Her eyes were bright, lined with tears unshed. Looking away quickly, Shudun angrily wiped away an errant tear that fell.

 

“You feel as if he’s abandoned you.” Lexi noted, and Shudun sighed heavily once again as she shrugged her shoulders noncommittally.

 

“I agreed to this shit only because momma asked me— _all_ of us—to stick together. No matter what.” Shudun paced back and forth, running her hands through her hair. Shaking her head sadly, she looked back at Lexi as she continued. “But he… he just leaves me and Jabbar. After everything he just leaves.” Shudun muttered, and Lexi kept her face neutral as she cocked her head a bit to the side, encouraging her to keep speaking. “Why did he leave?” Shudun finally asked, tears unbidden as she sunk back into her chair. Cradling her face in her hands, the sound only barely muffled. Lexi made her way over slowly, reaching out to lay a hand on her shoulder as she handed her tissue. Shudun took the tissue and quickly wiped her face, her breath hitching as she tried to calm her breathing.

 

“Sorry.” Shudun croaked, clearing her throat as she ran her fingers through her hair again.

 

“You don't have to apologize for how you feel or for expressing it. This is good for you, Ryder.”

 

Smiling sardonically, Shudun rolled her eyes as she sniffled.

 

“Almost forgot ‘crying makes everything better’.” She replied sarcastically, but Lexi continued to watch her with a careful eye.

 

“You need a healthy outlet for your emotions, Ryder. If crying bothers you, I can forward you some other options. You _do,_ however, have to learn to express yourself. In here _and_ out there.”

 

Ryder nodded, standing up to her full height.

 

“Thanks, Lexi.”

 

“No problem. I’m here anytime.”

 

“I know.” Shudun smiled, nudging her with her shoulder. She spared Lexi one last look behind her before exiting the room, her chest feeling a bit lighter.


	2. Sync

Shudun had barely stepped out Lexi’s office before she heard someone call out to her.

 

“Shudun?”

 

Turning abruptly in the entryway, Shudun saw Jaal take a quick step towards her, his height causing her to look upwards. She had ceased sniffling before she walked out but she knew her eyes were still red.

 

Shit.

 

“H-Hey Jaal. Need something?”

 

Jaal was silent, studying her face intently. Shudun sucked in a breath as he took another step closer, his head cocked in quiet contemplation.

 

“You were crying.” He stated softly, reaching out to caress her face. Shudun leaned into his touch, closing her eyes slightly as she kissed his palm.

 

“It happens.”

“Is there anything I can do?” He asked, and Shudun shook her head, smiling softly at him as she opened her eyes.

 

“You asking is enough. I’ll be fine, I promise.” Shudun deflected, stepping further into his space. Circling her arms around his waist, Shudun hugged him briefly before pulling away, heading towards her quarters. He made a move to follow but Lexi’s cleared her throat softly behind him, stopping him just as the door closed behind Shudun.

 

“She just needs a bit of time to process things, Jaal. She’ll let you in when she’s ready.”

 

“I… is it customary for one to be so guarded?”

 

“Some of us speak our minds easily enough. And there are others where it's a little harder. But her actions show that she truly cares about you, Jaal. And I believe she _wants_ to express herself. She just has a lot going on right now.”

 

“I did not mean to cause her distress.” Jaal stated quickly, worried he was the cause of her tears earlier. Lexi shook her head as she smiled, his sincerity sweet.

 

“No, it's not you. Life is just… sinking in. That's all I can say.” Lexi glanced sadly towards the door to Ryder’s quarters before turning to walk back in the med-bay. Jaal was left to ponder her words and Shudun’s actions for a moment longer before he sighed and retreated back towards the crew’s quarters.

 

She would speak with him in time. He just needed to give her space. But everything in him wanted to comfort her _now_ , not later. Rubbing the back of his neck in frustration, he made his was back to the tech-lab. Sitting at the desk, he began to form a message.

 

* * *

 

Shudun laid on her bed, her mind fuzzy from crying. Ever since she got to this damn galaxy she’d been crying, hardly keeping it together. Jabbar would laugh his ass off if he could see her now.

 

Just then, an email pinged from her desk. Sighing heavily, Shudun forced herself up and in the chair before her terminal, opening up the latest email. SAM had already translated the subject like for her from Shelesh—it read “forgive me”.

 

_Dearest,_

 

_I understand that expressing yourself isn't easy. Not for you, who has to be strong at all times. But know that you do not have to shoulder burdens alone. If nothing else, I am here for you. Whenever you need without hesitation, just as you have been for me. May the Skies grant you peace as you take your time to heal._

 

_I will always have time for you._

 

_Your dearest,_

 

_Jaal_

 

Shudun felt her lips curling into a smile as her cheeks warmed, touched by his thoughtfulness. She read and reread the email a dozen times before she cracked her knuckles and began to type a response.

 

* * *

 

Jaal had taken off his rofjinn, folding it neatly and placing it on the desk. Just as he was about to finish getting ready for bed, a ping echoed in his ears from his terminal. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that it was a reply from Shudun. Opening it he saw that she wrote little, but was grateful she responded at all. His eyes grazed over the screen as he read the words aloud.

 

_sugar,_

 

_thank you. for everything. i’ll be okay, just need a little space right now. will you come see me in the morning?_

 

_your dearest,_

 

_Shudun_

 

_(p.s. there's nothing to forgive, honey. you did nothing wrong.)_

 

Jaal smiled softly at her willingness to respond, but was confused all the same.

 

What exactly _was_ sugar? Or honey?


End file.
